Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
