I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
