Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
