Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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