well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
