I think i peed on brittanys purse
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
