Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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