I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
