Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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