oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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