So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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