Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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