I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
