Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
