Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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