At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
