He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
