If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
