we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
