checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
