It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
