So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
