I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
