I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
