Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If that was your dad, he is hot
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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