We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Of course I have a pirate flag
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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