well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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