You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
