I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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