filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
