I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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