susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
