ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
