You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
