I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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