This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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