Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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