making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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