Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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