I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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