i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
