I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
