Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
