The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
