I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
