Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
