As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
