I'm pants shitting drunk right now
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
