Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
