If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Shame - the story of my life.
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