Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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