you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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