Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
