mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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