Old men and throwing up are my life now.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
