i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The air taste purple.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
