Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
