Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
