how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
