Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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